What are you NOT grateful for?

Discovering true gratitude in a world full of toxic positivity

It is November, often known as gratitude month. I don’t know about you, but when I hear this, I either internally or externally groan. I sometimes feel an almost physical resistance to the word gratitude. So, for this month all of the groups I facilitate will have the check-out question, “What are you NOT grateful for?” This is to honor those who have been pressured to write gratitude lists or who’ve suffered from the effects of toxic positivity. For those who may not be familiar, toxic positivity, this is when thinking positive or focus on the positive is used in a way that inadvertently causes hurt and harm. I notice in myself and in others the response to being given permission to say what I’m not grateful for is often a feeling of joy or relief followed by a deep sense of gratitude. Strangely, it becomes suddenly difficult to think of what is really getting to me. My embracing the notion of saying what we’re not grateful for comes on the heels of the rest of the year where one of the check-out questions is “what are you grateful for?”

Gratitude is a cornerstone of many spiritual practices and 12-step programs and is seen as a way to bring a brighter outlook and more positivity into one’s life. Yet, many times there is a disconnect between the cognitive exercise of writing a list of things to be grateful for and true gratitude that encompasses the good and the difficult, rather than denying, minimizing, or invalidating suffering.

Gratitude is the ability to recognize and appreciate the good around us and the kindness we’ve been shown. When I ask in the check-out questions what is something you are grateful for, I encourage people to think about something that brought them joy or made them smile. Often these are simple things that are easily over looked such as a leaf changing color, warm socks from the dryer, or a something silly that made you laugh. At its essence gratitude is a sensation or emotional response, not a thought. Bringing focus to the good in our lives may be something we do mentally, but the wellspring of gratitude comes from our emotions and bodies. In a sleep course I took they talked about relishing or remembering with delight something wonderful that happened during the day, choosing one thing, rather than writing a list. For me this brings a deeper sense of connection and joy, especially as I realize most of these are not things, but people, who bring meaning and beauty to my life.

Thanking people for what they do deepens relationships and can mend wounds. Taking time to stop and thank strangers, such as grocery clerks, people picking up trash, or postal workers brings connection and the shared experience of working together to make the world a better place. So as with many things, being able to hold two seemingly contradictions is often the cornerstone of authenticity and wisdom. Yes, life is challenging and also there are ways to find beauty, connection, and joy. Yet even if this is cognitively possible sometimes even finding something small to “be grateful for” seems impossible and that’s okay too. So, I invite you to take this month to let us know what you’re not grateful for.