Saturday Stories #18 Turtle Phobia and Triggers
Rediscover a love for fiction, because stories can change the world
These fiction stories are unedited, unfiltered, and written in 15-25 minutes. Please be aware that they may contain intense material related to emotional healing, trauma recovery, and redirected fears. The today’s insights section contains information and learning from our personal journey with multiplicity/Dissociative Identities while healing from complex PSTD. We bring insights from our perspective as a therapist interrupted who is bringing together lived experience and sometimes clinical information.
Written at Creative Wellness Center Writing Group June 29, 2012
Once upon a time there was a sheep that was afraid of a turtle. So, the sheep stayed in the barn with the light on, because everyone knows that turtles are afraid of the light. That’s why they like to hide in their shells, because it’s dark in there and they feel safest in the dark.
Then one day the sheep was wondering, a question mark of wondering, if turtles could climb trees. The sheep thought and thought and decided to see if he could climb a tree. And what do you know, he could! “This is great,” thought the sheep, “I will be safe up here, no turtle can get me.” But then something scarier happened. There was a bees’ nest in the tree. So, the sheep jumped out of the tree and landed in a flower garden. And there sat a turtle. The sheep didn’t think the turtle saw him because the turtle was in her shell. So, the sheep tried to creep by. Then the sheep noticed he was lost and didn’t know his way home. But the turtle poked its head out and said, “Hello sheep. I’m turtle, it’s nice to meet you.”
The sheep was frozen in terror, his teeth were chattering and his body was shaking.
Turtle said, “you need not be afraid of me. I won’t hurt you. I’m just a slow turtle, but I am the nicest turtle in all the world.”
“How can I know you are not a mean turtle?” asked the sheep.
“You will know because I will point you in the right direction.”
And the sheep followed the turtle all the way home and that is how the sheep stopped being afraid of turtles.
Today’s Insight
This seems like a simple little story, but it brings up the concept of fear whether it be phobias or triggers. This sheep by my estimate had a phobia of turtles. This means that the sheep’s fear was based in his cognitive, thinking brain. If I were in more of a studious mindset I’d tell you what that place is-prefrontal cortex maybe, maybe not. Anyway, the place where you’re able to think. A phobia is a fear of something bad happening in the future. A trigger is a reminder of a trauma from the past.
They may be hard to distinguish in the moment, but need to be dealt with vastly differently. Phobias respond to something like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or thought replacements. Someone with a phobia can calm down when you tell them that they are safe. Their fear is reduced with exposure and experiences of safety when around the thing they are afraid of.
For example, I have a phobia of snakes. If I see one I jump, I might scream, my heart races, I have a rush of adrenalin. I have never been hurt by a snake, ask far as I know, but my brain says they are creatures full of venom and are supernatural and will go to the ends of the earth, they will fly, to attack me, strangle me, strike me and kill me. Of course I know and understand in my head, my thinking brain, that this is unreasonable, but my imagination or some thought process, I think, sends signals to my body, that I must get away at all costs.
Yet, I can talk myself down from the fear in response to a phobia. I can tell myself I’m okay and then I can look at them and even hold them without fear. I even once house sat a snake and fed it a mouse—a weird, but fascinating, and sad thing to watch. Yes, their jaws come completely unhinged.
I went to do a group and when I walked in the door, in the corner there was a beautiful yellow snake. I looked at it and told myself, it is just a snake, it is in a cage, they wouldn’t have a venomous, dangerous, predatory snake in here. My heart rate came down and my breathing came back to normal. Each time I looked at the snake I was calmer than before.
This is completely different than a trigger. A trigger is not a fear of the future, it is a reminder of the past. It is a reminder of a very real trauma that you went through. A trigger is more like an allergy. The more you are exposed to it, the worse it gets. Telling yourself or having someone else tell you that you are safe feels like misattunement and invalidating rather than comforting.
So, in this same space there’s a light situation. All of the bright lights are on one switch and all the dim lights another. Some of the bright lights are fluorescents that give some people migraines. I have a trigger related to dim lighting. Over the years I’ve discovered that it is only indoors and only with warm light, mood lights.
Being multiple and having complex PTSD what sometimes happens is that a trauma is so overwhelming that not only are different internal people created to help with it and dissociate it or contain it, but sometimes the trauma is split up into several people. So, one person holds the emotions, another the narrative, or story of what happened, and another, the feelings in the body etc. To this day despite decades of therapy and inner work, I don’t have the memory or know why dim light triggers me. I just know that if I am in this situation, and especially if I feel like I can’t leave, I will either dissociate from it—space out—and often this kind of dissociation can lead to a migraine that will last a week, or I will get a panic attack. In some cases, the distress that simple mood lighting brings, the lighting that calms lots of people, will lead to extreme distress to the point that I’ve sought relief through self-injury or even suicide.
I am much further along in my healing than I was in the past. I’ve learned to advocate for myself and I want to live. So, I am now able to say, “I need to have the lights on or I will need to leave.” When there were conflicting needs between me and another person, the trigger escalated, and I was almost crying. I turned to my friend, who I’d come with, and asked her to take me home. She did, and while over the next couple days I had the impact of the trigger, I wasn’t thinking of self-harm or suicide, this was a bit of a breakthrough.
This speaks to what actually works for triggers which is validation and attunement and connection with a caring supporter. I was able the next day to get an extra session with my therapist and one of my younger ones who’s been through a lot of trauma came and talked to her for the first time. This was completely overwhelming as I felt her pain in my body and it wiped us all out. However, I noticed that it also let off some of the pressure. My therapist was able to hold space for her and be with her in her speechless terror without shaming or forcing, just sending kindness, and that was a lot, that was what she needed. It’s taken some days for us to come back from that trigger, but we are getting there.
Before I sign off on these long insights, I want to say that a couple things can help with triggers, one is what I mentioned before the attunement or kindness of a supportive person. This can even be somewhat accomplished through changing your self-talk from saying “it’s okay,” to saying, “wow, this is really scary, it makes sense that you’d be so scared right now.” This second self-talk may connect you with sadness or even fear that needs to be tended to and worked through, so may be hard. Another thing that can help is tuning into the senses. We find that looking for colors and shapes in the environment helps a lot, as does petting our dog, chewing gum, smelling something, or holding a stone. Triggers are not something to be pushed through the way phobias are.
Allowing yourself to leave or not being exposed to a trigger can be an important form of self care. This isn’t always possible, and when it’s not you may need to think about what other supports you can put in or how to reduce other stress so that you have more emotional capacity to cope with the trigger. Leaving a triggering situation can also give a sense of empowerment and a reminder that this is now, not the past when the trauma was happening. In the past, during the trauma, you couldn’t just choose to leave, or maybe you could, theoretically, but things got in the way. Today, you have choices you didn’t have then.
Sending love and kindness to those with PTSD who find themselves triggered sometimes for no understandable reason. May you find healing and support to work through these challenges.
Your Turn
If you wish to continue the story in your own creative writing or prose you can answer the following questions for fiction to continue the story or answer the questions for prose that can be used as journal prompts, for essays, or poetry.
Fiction Prompts:
Write a story about someone with a phobia of spiders
Write this same story from the turtle’s perspective
Write a scene where someone gets triggered by something seemingly ridiculous, but makes sense in the context of their history
Prose Prompts:
Write a poem about fear, triggers, and phobias
Describe a fear you have and write about it with compassion and validation
Write about your experience with fears and whether you think they are based in past trauma or fears for the future
Is there any part of my theories on phobias and triggers that you disagree with? Write about it.