Saturday Stories #10 I'm going to disappoint you, but you already knew that
Rediscover a love for fiction, because stories can change the world
These fiction stories are unedited, unfiltered, and written in 15-25 minutes. Please be aware that they may contain intense material related to emotional healing, trauma recovery, and redirected fears.
Written at Berkeley Creative Wellness Center
February 22, 2016
I looked in the mirror, my reflection stared back at me. My wide-open eyes and gaping mouth. I never knew what to do with my mouth when I looked in the mirror. I was surprised at my reflection, like is that really what I look like? I felt bad for people who had to look at me all the time. I stared into my eyes, crystal blue. My eyes were the only thing I liked about myself. They stared back as if willing me to be something I’m not, wanting me to be better than I am. “I’m going to disappoint you, but you already know that,” I said, my voice soft with a catch in my throat. I turned away and walked out of the bathroom into the rest of the house, my empty house.
Today was the big day, the job interview. I felt nerves starting to rise as I thought about it. I hadn’t worked in nine years, but I was going to give it a try. It was a job I really wanted. I hurriedly got dressed in the best clothes I could find. I didn’t really have office or interview clothes, so I made do with some dark pants and a collared shirt. I grabbed my keys and started driving.
Upon arrival I took the elevator up to the 22nd floor. I stepped out into an office, no hallway, just the office, right there, the whole floor. My heart pounded in my chest and I felt a little dizzy, I walked up to the counter. “I’m here for the interview,” I said. I should have given my name first.
Today’s Insights
After reading this story I looked back at my emails and was struck by the fact that almost a year to the day, on March 23, 2017, from when I wrote this story, I was in fact called in for a job interview at Berkeley Mental Health. On June 30, 2016, three months after writing this story, I got an email from my case manager suggesting that I apply for the job. The interesting thing is that when I wrote the story I wasn’t even thinking about applying for a job. I was out on disability and working full time on my healing, which by the way was the hardest work of my life. When I got the email from my case manager I didn’t think too hard about it. I didn’t even know if I could handle a formal job, but I was motivated to apply so I turned in the application. I didn’t hear anything back so I forgot about it. Nine months later I got the email calling me in for that first interview.
I went with my service dog, Suzen, to the interview. I had hopes that if I was hired, that I would be able to go back to being an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and collect hours towards licensure. Part way through the interview, there arose a horrible, and I mean horrible, smell. I ignored it. It worsened. I figured it must be my service dog. Finally, it got so bad, that it could not be ignored and I said, “I’m sorry, I think that my service dog has gas.”
The lady interviewing me looked me in the eye and said, “Yes, I believe so, it happens to the best of us.”
I was mortified.
I went home and less than an hour later got an email inviting me to a second interview the next week. After that second interview, I waited, and I waited. I emailed them and they told me there had been a delay in the decision-making process. Then I was told that they decided to have a third interview. The first interview there were two people, the second, three people and the third interview four people. After that I again waited and I waited. I later learned that they were sorting through 150 qualified applicants. Finally, I got the provisional acceptance. I got the health screen and finger-printing and was all set to start. I even went in and met the people I’d be working with and looked at where my desk was set to be. Then three days before I the start date I was informed that they were changing my job position. I was reassigned to a peer position, but at the time was only told that I would be doing something similar to what I had been doing, which was leading art and writing groups at the wellness center. After starting I soon realized that this was definitely not a role I could be collecting hours towards MFT licensure. It was however, the perfect job for me at that time in my life. This was another time where my becoming a therapist was interrupted. What wasn’t interrupted though was my journey to where I am today.
This was the perfect job for me at the time. I learned all about the psychiatric survivor movement which was my journey into advocacy and working in ways that help people gain skills to live more empowered lives. This was a job where I was able to use my creativity to start groups and build the wellness recover team. I made many friends and learned how to be a bridge between client and provider. I most likely would have burnt out in the other position while working on the team I was on gave me many of the skills I needed to start Multifaceted Journeys.
Looking back on the prompt for this story, “I’m going to disappoint you, but you already knew that,” I can see that in many ways I did disappoint myself because I never became a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, but in other ways, I exceeded my own expectations. I had given up on employment because the depth of my trauma had so crippled me. I wrote a story with no expectation of ever working a formal job again, yet that glimmer of hope somehow got planted into the atmosphere and brought me to where I am today. I still at times feel the sharp sting of disappointment because of my failure to becoming a licensed therapist, but I’m learning to embrace being a therapist interrupted and knowing that I don’t need the letters MFT after my name to be a success.
Your Turn
If you wish to continue the story in your own creative writing or prose you answer the following questions.
Prompts for Fiction
Continue the story by writing the scene of the interview. Include something as horrible or wonderful as a dog with gas
Write a story about someone who disappointed themselves
Write a conversation between someone and their reflection in the mirror
Prompts for Prose, Journaling, or Poetry
What is a time in your life that you had an unexpected turn of events?
How did it form who you are today?
Free write for 5 minutes about disappointment and then another 5 on success
Was there a time in your life when you had a goal that you were unable to complete?
Did anything positive come of this?
Are you still pursuing the goal or have you given up or changed it?
Is there a way that the essence of the goal was accomplished? For example, my goal was to become a licensed MFT therapist because that’s what I thought I needed to do to help people. I failed at getting the license, but have found a way to work that still accomplishes the larger goal of helping people.