Narcissistic Traits

My Healing Journey from Narcissistic Traits to Healthy Self-Love

What is the most stigmatized mental health condition? Despite all the bad press, horror movies, and constant misrepresentation, I theorize that when it comes to stigma Dissociative Identity Disorder pales in comparison to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This may even be true of any form of narcissism or even having narcissistic traits. Narcissism is almost always equated with someone who is abusive or at the very least someone who crosses boundaries. I very rarely, if ever, hear someone speaking with compassion about someone while using the term narcissistic to describe them. Many mental health conditions have an awareness day or month to help people understand what it’s like to live with the condition and to hopefully bring support and resources. When it comes to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as far as I can tell no such day exists. Instead we have World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day on June 1^st (https://nationaldaycalendar.com/world-narcissistic-abuse-awareness-day-june-1/). Having a mental health diagnoses is no excuse for abuse. Understanding that someone has a disorder or a history of child abuse that contributed to their issues can give us compassion for someone who’s abusive, but I don’t think that everyone who has NPD is abusive. Rather I think there are deep wounds that lead to the condition that need to be approached with understanding and care. We need to call things what they are. Identify abuse as abuse. Talk about other forms of interpersonal harm by using terms that describe the behavior, rather than describing someone as a covert narcissist or saying they are narcissistic.

My history with narcissism goes back to one of my first psychiatrists. He didn’t see that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder, focused on my depression, and prescribed way too many meds, up to 600 mg of Wellbutrin. He also called me on my inner workings of narcissism and helped me to recognize that I did in fact have a “Narcissistic Wound” from early childhood. This doctor and my studies in graduate school about NPD brought a recognition and compassion for the deep hurts that lead to narcissism. This softened the blow of a therapist describing me on a semi-public platform as having “narcissistic traits” while in the process of helping me find someone new to work with.

A year ago yesterday this therapist who I did a lot of intense work with and saw three times a week, ended treatment with me because I made a decision that she disagreed with. If I had come to this crossroads earlier in treatment, I might have decided to go along with what she wanted, utilizing the trauma defense of fawning so she wouldn’t terminate with me. In part, because of the work we did, I was at a place of having increased my social support and internal stamina to risk taking up space in the world and standing my ground, even if it meant that I would lose someone I had previously thought I couldn’t live without. The emotions and turmoil that I went through were intense. I composed this song that I played for her in my last session that captures some of what I was feeling.

Some of my work with this therapist had to do with young, preverbal feelings. She held space for some of our kids who are often so terrified and traumatized that they can’t talk. She would say, “maybe you just need me to see how much this hurts.” There was so much good about our work together, so much growth, and even love that she showed me. My work with her combined with world events brought to light the fact that I actually did not have close friends. I made a decision to start investing in new ways in relationships and have now built friendships that are deep and meaningful.

There were many points in my healing journey when the pain felt like too much. I felt lost and alone. One of these times I went to my art class at Berkeley Adult school and started this painting: A self-portrait that had to do with the healing aspects of nature and getting in touch with grief and deep emotions. The image is of a feminine face painted in blue with the trunk of a tree outlining her. She has tree branches and trunks for eye brows and hair. She blends into a blue sky background.

When thinking and looking at the DSM-5, I consider the narcissistic traits I have and how they’ve manifested. Things like believing that I am “special or unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people” or “requiring excessive admiration” or having “a grandiose sense of self-importance...preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.” Close friends vehemently insist that I’m not narcissistic. If more than one mental health professional has used this term to describe me, then maybe this is something I should consider. Upon doing so, I have discovered an origin story here, a thread of narrative that traces back to before I was born. That is a story for another article though. My point is, I do have some narcissistic traits.

However, throwing the “insult” of narcissism at someone you don’t like or don’t agree with has become common place in our society. One political party often throws these terms at another. I imagine both accuse the other of such things, but am in more contact through my friend group and the culture I reside in to see it pointed toward one side and one person specifically. These are not the words of people who are exhibiting compassion and seeking to understand the inner woundings that lead to a disorder. These are fighting words used to disqualify and shut down what a person says or what they represent. While I do see their point and often agree with the sentiment of fear and concern about the leaders who are described in such words, I also have a distaste for the cultural phenomena of hurling diagnostic words at individuals one doesn’t agree with.

I propose that we change our view of narcissism by differentiating it from abuse and reconnecting it to the woundings that are the root of this disorder. I’ll take it a step further and propose that there is such a thing as healthy narcissism. This is what others would call self-esteem or self-love or even confidence. That when people’s needs are met and they engage in the inner work needed to heal the wounds that lead to unhealthy narcissism, one can begin to stand in strength and confidence and take up space in the world. If someone hurls the term narcissistic in an attempt to squash my way of being in the world, I can see where it lands and if there is more work to be done or not.

On April 25, 2022 in therapy I talked about a ministry that I started. My journal entry about the session reads: “tried to explain it to her. Nervous. Feel there are triggers here. Want to defend it, but also her to get why it’s hard. Switching...Not remembering…Blank…” What if many who are described as grandiose or preoccupied with success are actually here to do something big in the world. What if we all are? Theoretically mental health diagnoses are intended to inform treatment and create a pathway to healing. However, my observation is that often labeling someone as narcissistic shuts down this process and is detrimental to their growth.

This same day my neighbor invited me over to her garden to dig up daffodils that I replanted in my yard. Daffodils are also known as Narcissus https://www.gardenista.com/posts/10-things-nobody-tells-narcissus-daffodil-flowering-bulbs/

She said that they may not come up for at least another year. The stems would fall over and die and she reassured me that she didn’t give me duds. To my surprise, this spring the walkway to my house was filled with bright yellow flowers. These flowers are bold, they shine bright, they don’t take up a lot of space, but they demand attention. I believe people can move from disordered narcissism to healthy narcissism and when they do, not only will they shine, but they will bring more beauty to the world.

Here is a picture that I took of some Narcissus that I found on my walk. They are cut and in a vase that sits in a box with a note says, “The Be Kind Little Flower Shoppe”.

Perhaps when the narcissistic wound or unhealthy narcissism is healed we can have more kindness in the world, just like these Narcissus are spreading joy and kindness as a gift to the neighbors walking by.

The last two days have been very painful. I’ve cried a lot. Luckily I have since found an amazing therapist who is actually a better fit for me at this time in my life. The transition has been hard, but thus is the work of therapy. I am so grateful for the gift of growth that I got in both my work with my previous therapist as well as with my current therapist.

Yesterday I went to my art class after therapy and completed my “Peter Pan Painting”. I’ve been working on this painting for 7 years. It is a gift for a friend who gave me a painting and I promised her one in exchange. Upon my insistence, she said that she wanted a painting of Peter Pan and Tinker Bell flying over a city or rooftops. I spent years on the city. Painting images taken from the intro to the show Sense 8 and then adding in images that I found of buildings from around the world. When this just wasn’t working right, I cut the whole thing up into little bits and pasted them in a different arrangement onto a larger canvas. I repainted the background, and last week painted a large water color Tinker Bell that today I pasted onto the dark, dark blue sky. She then got some fairy dust sprinkled on her.

I painted Peter Pan several times, carried a book with the story and illustrations back and forth to art class for weeks and stressed over him. At one point he was painted onto the canvas, but his image looked to be more man than boy and just wasn’t working so he’s under the dark sky. Tinker Bell has gone from little fairy, who despite being pretty and cute, can display what we may think of as problematic narcissism. She can be mean, cruel and entitled. Yet, here in this painting. She has become something else entirely. She lights up the whole sky. She shines in brilliance. She brings light to the world. She can stand on her own with or without Peter Pan. She can take up space.

This painting illustrates my journey into finding purpose and taking up space. I am embracing healthy narcissism and continuing to work to heal the wounds that I sometimes act upon. I strive to live authentically and to step into my destiny. Maybe that will transmit to “unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love” or maybe it will mean doing the next right thing and finding my place in the world and the ways I can make a difference. As a friend I texted with yesterday said: “If activism is narcissism, I’m pro-narcissism. If self-advocacy is narcissism, I’m pro-narcissism. Let us embrace healthy narcissism that allows us to live authentically and step into our purpose.