How Are You Being A Fool?
How I'm Healing in Relationships and Increasing Joy
The check-out question that I’m asking in groups I facilitate this month is, “How are you being a fool?” I got the idea for this from April 1st being April Fools day. The origin of April Fool’s Day may have to do with the seasons and the volatile and unpredictable weather. We think it’s spring and then there’s another snow storm or shower. Being a San Francisco Bay Area resident where it mostly stays in the 70s year round I’m shocked to hear about people who have snow in April and I am feeling a bit blessed with our somewhat sensible and “non-foolish” weather. Although we did have an earthquake last week, so I guess that shakes things up a bit.
April Fool’s Day has been a time when people play pranks or jokes on each other. Laughter and fun are an important part of healing and getting through difficulties. Humor can also run a fine line between all being in good fun and being offensive or hurtful. Sometimes what is funny to one person may be offensive and cruel to another. There are times when I worry that my humor will land wrong or times when someone else tells a joke that hits a little too close to home or is offensive to a marginalized or misunderstood community. Yet, I am also hopeful that I can find community and friends with whom these missteps can be handled with grace, forgiveness, and an openness to learning. I am learning that I can be in community in a more authentic way where I don’t have to hide all of myselves or my views and that when things go wrong there can be repair and a coming together as people who don’t always agree, but who can honor and respect each other.
Recognizing that we all make mistakes, embracing self-forgiveness, and making amends are all a sign of recovery and emotional health. This is part of being human and this past month has been a time of learning for me and taking risks by opening up my heart to close friends. This has lead to increased caring and a greater ability for people to hurt me. In the past I found ways to minimize my feelings because I had an understanding of where they were coming from or I chose not to take it personally. In the further past, these were the things I drank over. Today I am taking the risks of actually letting friends, who I care deeply about, know how I’m feeling. I’m asking for and making time to have difficult and honest conversations. I have encouraged people, especially those who go to groups I facilitate, to talk to me about their feelings or any red flags that they have yet, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to do this in my own relationships. In the past couple of weeks I’ve had conversations with three friends where I stepped out and was honest. In all three cases I’ve found that people do care even when they are unable to accommodate my needs or make changes. I’ve felt the repair and the tending to my pain in ways that feel new and restorative.
We are going to make mistakes and that is how we learn and grow. When I was doing indoor rock climbing if I was tied-in to a rope I could take risks and I would often fall when trying a route that was above my skill or physical capacity. This to me was a sign that I was able to go to the edge and stretch myself. Falling isn’t a sign of weakness it is a sign of taking a risk and yes, sometimes it’s foolish. I didn’t take nearly as many risks if I wasn’t tied in and was bouldering because I didn’t like falling to the ground without the rope to catch me. In many ways healing from relational deficits is a bit like this. Except that I don’t always know if I’m tied in or not. This past year there have been times when I fell and I got badly hurt. A friend or community I thought could catch me and do the hard work with me of trying to figure things out decided that this was too much for them. Yet, even then, there was a crash pad. I landed and was hurt, but not broken beyond repair. I was able to get up, rely on others for support, I keep learning and growing, and hopefully am gaining skills and new ways to do things in the future.
This month Multifaceted Journeys is having a community event that all are invited to attend. We will be exploring “How are you being a fool?” One of the activities will be sharing of jokes and humor. People of all ages use jokes to bring humor to those around them. These can be puns, riddles, and irony. Each of us have a unique sense of humor that reflects our personality, life-experiences, and how we see the world. As adults it’s easy to get disconnected from things that make us laugh and to value “serious” or “important things”. Yet, enjoyment and laughter is a valuable and important part of life. While I’ve not ventured into the land of laughter yoga, which is a technique of pretending to laugh until you actually end up laughing, I do see the value of bringing more time and space to allow for opportunities to experience joy.
As a trauma survivor opening ourselves up to increased pleasure in the form of laughter can be vulnerable and at times terrifying. Having more space for the good can feel uncomfortable and painful. A couple of years ago I met a friend who can make me laugh like no other. I’m not exactly sure how, but she can have me almost falling down unable to breath laughing. This is a new experience for me. It feels strange and uncomfortable in my body. I’ve also started rewatching the show “Friends” and there were times when I would start laughing so hard that my whole body began coughing and I literally couldn’t breath, which then shot terror through me. After so many years of struggle my body has to relearn how to hold laughter and joy in a way that is safe. This is an aspect of healing that I don’t hear talked about much, but that I think is very real for a lot of survivors, particularly those who’ve been through developmental trauma and emotional neglect. Healing can happen both slowly and suddenly and can be unique and complex journey for each of us.
For those reading this prior to April 13, 2024. You are invited to join Multifaceted Journeys for a time of reflection and exploration of these concepts. The event will be from 10-11am Pacific Time. Participants will be invited to bring jokes and humor to share with the group. It’s helpful if you can RSVP by sending an email to crystalsmultifaceted@protonmail.com but you are also welcome to join by clicking on the link below:
Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82075018007
Meeting ID: 820 7501 8007